Pointing left, switch to right
Tilting left, lean to right
Pushing left, back to right
Reaching out into the shattered illusion around me I know that once things were supposed to be. No longer feel the presence of my existent, but a mere faint sound of silence. All the eyes can see is so deceiving, all the ears can hear is so disbelieving, since when the reality has emerge to such an indescribable feast.
Hands frozen from the cold within and the chills wrapped around me. This isn’t a place where I want to be, and yet here I remained; such a cold dark place. The shadows of smoke slithering around me in a wicked motion like a snake about to get its prey. The pure imagination to feel the heat is overwhelming like the need to be free. Tiny chills creep through the thin knit of my sweater and make me shudder and snuggle closer to my bent knees. Warmth is an imagination, love is a dream, and this isn’t reality. Darkness falls once again, and the night has turned this frigid earth once again a frozen grave; for some. How long has it been since I felt this way for the first time? Feels like an eternity has passed yet it’s only been mere months. The heart tells me to fight it, but the mind tells me it’s time. Drifted through the night air isn’t fear of isolation, but the need to be “wanted”. We can change it, we can fix it, we can accept it, but we won’t. The human minds is full with deceptions and fantasies. Some will help us and some will endless leading us to the road of no return.
Do we know which path to choose or it’s always too late to recognize it’s a forbidden path we have chosen.
Grassy green, rolling hills, streams of illusions and mystical birds, a land far far away…a destination, a dream land that doesn’t exist, but yet so visible to us time after time. The heart tells us what to believe even when the mind tells us the thread of fabrication has laced through the dreams our heart ached to believe.
Back and forth, letting go and holding on is what we do. Two wrong turns doesn’t make a right yet we keep walking on hoping it will lead us somewhere even if it’s not the destination we seek. We can be so naive yet hopeful in some way that reminds me that primal instincts for human nature is to protect and defend of those we love, but why we neglect the need to protect one that counts most: our self.
Days gone by I find myself asking not the question why or what, but how. How can I change or accept the person I am today? How am I going to walk on this world like I once was? How am I going to know that brick wall is just an illusion and not a dead end? How is it that there are more questions than answers that each time I try figure out something? And then there’s a tiny voice in my head asked “what am I going to do?” A long silence passed and it came back “why now?”
Never a right time to believe this is the right time to do this or tomorrow is the day, but yet somehow we always managed to do the things we do on the damning time that will lead us to the solution we seek. Perhaps not satisfying, but an answer we shall get. We asked the thing we already know hoping someone will prove it wrong, hoping by some magical occurrence that the light will shine through and turn a wrong into a right. Pity the fool for believing and yet we say nothing for we know somethings are better left unsaid, and some people are just happier with the illusions they weave.
We can expect a rainbow after a rain just like the sun will rise tomorrow but we can’t give up the things we shouldn’t have or have lost. Why is it accepting is harder to do when we know it’s the only way out? Does knowing sometimes make it harder for us to let go? As some says “Ignorance is a blessing.” That line will never gets old like the excuses we give each day.
When we think or write we let the feelings flow like a river, freely and wholesome, but when we stop and stare however, we control the emotions, the needs and settled for momentary frames of memory to keep us fixated. Mentally we always keep one image on the forefront of our memory to keep us afloat during the time when our mind refuse to grasp on any notions of life or even tiny nudge of reality. A painful memory, a tease of time, a passing recollection of a moment in time to save us to freeze us to lead us on. The things we hold onto for dear life isn’t always the things we can’t live without yet we pay the price for it like it should be.
We determined each day with a mere shrug and acceptance of just another. So recklessly and aimlessly, and most undeserving in some cases; mine. We tend to have a reasom for almost everything we do in life, some are less honorable than others but there’s always a reason behind it. Sometimes we seek isn’t truly an answer but an explanation of what should have been. We know the world goes around, and we can’t stop time but that doesn’t stop us from asking and finding out why it should be that way and not the other way around..why? Because we never ceased to stop learning and exploring..the day we do, we die. The story goes on and on like a sad story of each passing day, however, never the same.
I used to look outside my windows in PA each night and staring outside the windows to the tiny lights below me. The little town always asleep whenever I set my eyes on it and it soothed me somehow. Sleeping is a myth when my mind was like a train wreck and kept feeding on the miseries wrapped around me. I often wondered what went on under those tiny houses, and the lives that involved and hoping their lives are much better than mine. We know the grass is greener on the other side, but why can’t we accept that here is now, what we have is for keep, and what we lost is meant to be. I enjoy the view and appreciate the beauty surround me. I should be grateful of the awareness I possessed for it brings me joy to recognize the pain and the happiness but then a gift is a curse for I feel the pain that can cut so deep and the happiness for briefly and yet so glorious that once it’s gone..the light went out of my life as well. We can’t win it all but why a tie isn’t possible?
A friend once told me if I ever see a brick wall blocking my path, take a sledge hammer and break it down, don’t just stare at it, because it doesn’t go anywhere. Wonder what is worse, an invisible wall that you can’t break or a fortress of stone hard rocks…
